My heart aches, but maybe that's okay

All my life I've always known that I wanted to work with animals.  I used to tell everyone that I was going to be a vet some day, but life is what is and things don't always work out how you plan.  So here I am in rescue and sometimes I think it's good that I'm not a vet, what would I do each time I had to help someone's beloved furry cross to the other side.  I feel so helpless now if I'm at the clinic and someone comes out with a leash and collar in hand and red swollen eyes.

You'd think rescue would be easier.  Through DCIN I get to help people keep their beloved kitty when they thought because of finances they had no choice but to let them go.  I also get to help bring a new love into someone's life.  If I'm lucky I get follow up emails and photos and hear wonderful stories about how well things are going.

But there's another side to this, the side that really sucks.  I called my sister the other night and asked her what she thought of me now.  I admitted to her that nothing really shocks or saddens me anymore in rescue.  I hear so much and see so much that my heart is just cold to it.  She said that's not enough reason to quit.  If I save one of every ten cats that comes to me, that's a huge difference.  I was exhausted when I called her, I was up all night with my CH kitty who was very sick, but is fine now.  I had maybe three hours of sleep that night and had to work a full day.

Lilly Grace, my sweet CH kitty

I do believe that I've become rather numb to many things.  I no longer get physically ill when people tell me if I don't personally take their cat into my home immediately they will put their cat down and it will be all my fault.  I refuse to take on another's person guilt for them.  Other things have changed too.  For instance, I take more time for myself and don't scour the internet for kitties who may be in need of DCIN assistance. 

Today, however, I realize that I am not numb to all of this and my heart still breaks.  Not for a cat that I could not rescue but for one that I could.  A few years back a sweet one eyed kitty was brought to our attention and I fell for her from a distance.  She was such a special cat that every time we got updates from her adopter, this kitty's previous foster person was included on those updates.  She had such an impact on everyone who met her, no one could not fall in love with this young lady.

The update today breaks my heart.  This sweet girl is very ill and probably won't make it much longer.  Her loving mom may have to help her let go of this life and move onto the next.  My heart aches for her mom, knowing the depth of this woman's love for her girl and the pain that she's about to take on.  I can only hope that she finds comfort and peace quickly and that she doesn't hurt for too long.  

For me, I am okay even though I am in tears as I type this.  I know that this kitty was and is so well loved, hearts will ache for her and the only reason this is happening is because DCIN did not turn away when we first learned about this kitty.  I guess these tears mean I'm not ready to concede, maybe that's a good thing.